Ending up with the wrong person used to be what scares me most. But as I grow wiser, I realised that there is no such thing as ending up with a person. You don’t really end up. The other person definitely doesn’t end up. But yes, the possibility of the relationship ending up is there, as nothing really lasts.
Now, expectations and hopes scare me the most. To have them, that is.
When he cleaned up the kitchen without being told to after I messed up the place with hot dhal blasted from the blender – it scares me.
When he applied ointment on my burnt skin – it scares me.
When our mutual friend told me that he said “I wish Nazreen is here” when they were appreciating beautiful scenery during a road trip near his hometown – it scares me.
When he went out of his way to take me to a porridge restaurant when I have fever and sore throat – it scares me.
When he said “It scares me when you are ill” – that scares me like hell.
It is scary because all these give me hopes and expectations. Hope that this could be different. Hope that he could really be in love with me. Hope that this could actually last.
And with all these hopes – come the expectations. Expectation that he will always be there. Expectation that when things get tough, he wouldn’t walk away. Expectation that he will continue to love me forever.
Hopes can leave you heartbroken and disappointed. Expectations will disillusion you, leaving you frustrated at the end. Now, isn’t it ridiculous for me to have all these hopes and expectations?